Tuesday, August 12, 2008

When Animals Attack!

This post is not about Michael Savage or JB Handley.

Though it could be, considering the title.

Instead, I must warn you that this is an entirely non-autism-related post and holds absolutely no scientific value or journalistic integrity.

When Animals Attack #1
My family is technologically challenged. Though I have learned my way around blogger, I am pretty much a rube in regards to all other things electronic. Oh, to be an electronic guru like my friends Glynn or Kev! No such luck.
So when I booked the install appointment for DSL (we currently run satellite internet due to our semi-rural location and resulting limited options), I just knew it would not go well. In the week leading into the appointment, we had one TV go down, baby C dropped our digital camera in the pool and thereby destroyed that, I found that many of my most recently downloaded songs are MP4 format which will not play in our little "gemstone" pseudo-Ipod thing, my wife's cell phone shuts itself down when she tries to dial out, and my company's servers are full and requiring a PowerVault for expansion (very expensive). DSL must run through phone lines, as does our satellite TV and our alarm system. Though I was assured these would not conflict, it took 3 hours of a tech being in my home to verify what I knew already - that we are living in the technological equivalent of purgatory.
During the Tech's visit, my wife noticed the dogs barking excessively on the back patio. When she went to investigate, she noticed the sound of water running, or spraying. Upon closer investigation, it was not water ... it was a rattle ... Or, to be more specific, Rattlesnake! After she hollered for attention, I helped her drag the dogs in the house (we have really big dogs and they really wanted to play with the snake) and I prepared myself to do battle with the leviathan.
Okay, as an aside, I really don't like to kill snakes. But Rattlers are territorial(they will return to the same spots repeatedly), and I happen to also be territorial (I return to my home each night). It is my responsibility to; a) protect my children from harm, and b) not kill myself in the process if it can be easily avoided. This means my options - since I have no way of picking up and removing a rattlesnake - are limited. I can't let it get out of my sight and wonder every moment if my kids or dogs will encounter it, so I have to kill it. To spare you the details, I accomplished my task and am feeling not very good about it. I am currently loking for a snake-catcher so that next time I can remove the snake instead of killing it. Maybe I should have called this post, "When Humans Attack".

The point here is that all of this happened while the DSL installer was here. He kept peeking outside to check on my raging battle with the snake.
When he left ... hours later ... defeated by the curse of the D family's electronics ... I told him, "Hey, lighten up. Its not your fault. This install was doomed before I even ordered it! You see, when we try to upgrade technologically around here it not only doesn't work, but we also get attacked by wild animals!"

When Animals Attack #2
You'd like to think the story is over at his point, right? Ummm, no.
The snake thing happened last Wednesday. Fast forward all of 2 days, and my wife has the boys down by the pool. My wife is an animal husbandry aficionado, and has not yet learned (as we cynics have) that so-called "lesser" animals can be safely ignored. As a result, she was rescuing a drowning bee from our pool. Yes, picture an exhausted, drenched bee being mercifully lifted from the cold, deathly, chlorinated clutch of the pool by L's graceful hands. Then picture the little ungrateful bastard stinging her! (Sorry Andrea for flinging epithets at the bee, but read on prior to passing judgment please).
To shorten a long story, by the next day (Saturday) her finger was turning black and her hand was swollen to a painful point. I took watch over the boys while she went to Urgent Care. She returned 5 hours later with a splint on her hand (extending up to her forearm), gauze on her opposing wrist to cover the IV tube they left in her arm. You see, she had undergone a severe reaction to the bee sting and required IV antibiotics, and she had to return the next day for another round. They had to cut off her ring due to swelling. Now she appeared to be some android-mom.
So this was a big deal! And it was not directly related to any technology installs or upgrades! Unbelievable.
She is ok now, but apparently this reaction will get worse with each ensuing bee sting. And never mind that our middle son, T, also reacts strongly to bee stings, and that bees hate T. They have some sort of bee-nation vendetta on the poor kid, and typically harass him at every turn. He's had twice as many bee stings in 5 years as I've had in my life, poor kid. So we are planning to move to Nome, Alaska where it is too freakin' cold for bees to live.

When Animals Attack #3 - Prehistoric Version
Endless thanks go to Grandma and Poppa for taking our two oldest sons to Colorado for a week-long adventure this summer. Little did we know that our pattern of animal attacks would also occur there!


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Niksmom said...


But the photo...hysterical! Glad the boys survived *that* attack!

Nome...bad choice. If the trend follows, you'll doubtless have a run in with an angry grizzly bear! ;-)

Club 166 said...

LOL! This is too funny (except for your wife's arm swelling up and all).

On our vacation last week Buddy Boy saw a sign on one of our small hikes (in the Badlands). The sign said that it was a rattlesnake area. Thus every 30 seconds or so after that we would be subjected to "Stop! Listen! I think that's a rattlesnake". Needless to say, we never saw (or heard) a rattlesnake.


Evonne said...

Awww, you guys are the greatest! I thoroughly support your bee-saving and regretting-of-necessary-rattlesnake-killing. Though no good deed goes unpunished, it's nice to know I'm sharing the planet with you. :)

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